Captain Midnight

Dear Mormon Friends

2010-11-05T17:13:00.003-06:00

Dear Mormon friends,

Please don't ever use the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way" ever again. Thank you.

Much love,

Captain Midnight

I'll Take A Heaping Order of Gay, Please.

2010-10-24T14:21:00.003-06:00

This video is almost enough to make me go straight:

But then I just have to watch this video and everything's back to normal:

Yeah, ain't nothin' ever gonna make me not gay.

Good Lord I'm Gay

2010-09-25T09:48:00.002-06:00

I often pride myself in the fact that I'm not one of those gays who is into musicals. I hate all the songs from Wicked, Rent, Les Miserables, and countless others. PBS aired the show Cats once and for some reason I watched it, scratching my head the entire time wondering what the hell was going on. And above all, I absolutely cannot stand watching Glee anymore.

However, I must admit that I'm a closet Barbra fan, and I actually do enjoy a lot of the older musicals out there both of the Barbra variety or otherwise (Hello Dolly, The Music Man, The Sound of Music, etc). Last night I finally watched Funny Girl, and *shock* I really liked it.

Fast forward to today: I have been awake and at work for two hours, and it already feels like the longest day in creation. I was literally about to break down and cry, so I decided to take a break and go for a walk. While walking Barbra suddenly started singing at me in my head, and - it makes me feel horribly horribly tacky to say this - I started feeling better.

The moral of the story: I am a big ol' queermosexual, and I love me some Barbra.

Welcome Home, Cousin

2010-07-31T10:18:00.004-06:00

Post deleted.

Blatant Advertisement

2010-07-29T18:47:00.003-06:00

When I was younger I thought massages were a luxury only the rich could afford. I always wanted to marry well so that I could afford regular massages (as well as all of the other luxuries a girl like me deserves). Now that my boyfriend, Elston, is a licensed massage therapist I know that massage isn't for the rich, it is for everyone, and everyone should get massages as often as possible.

Massage not only feels good, but also carries many health benefits:

Pain relief
Stress relief
Reduced blood pressure and heart rate

Continued massage treatment has also been shown to increase your body's immune system function and decrease depression.

Elston's rates are so low that everyone should be able to afford the experience of massage therapy. Please visit his facebook page for prices and more information. He is a very professional and experienced massage therapist, and in my opinion, one of the best massage therapists you will find around here or anywhere.

If you're interested in scheduling a massage, or if you have more questions, feel free to contact either me or Elston. You definitely won't regret it.

The Town Whore

2010-07-16T18:30:00.003-06:00

I'm going to Vegas this weekend for my cousin's mission homecoming. Though my immediate family has pretty much come to terms with me being gay, my cousin's family doesn't know for the most part. I just realized that I will be clearly not partaking of the sacrament this Sunday in front of a good portion of my extended family. The thing is, I really don't care.

I've had to not partake of the sacrament in front of immediate family a handful of times, and instead of the shame I'm sure they think I feel, instead I feel almost a sense of whorish pride. It makes me feel like I've just walked into sacrament meeting as the old-fashioned Southern town prostitute in my flashy red dress and cheeks rouged to the nines, and I like that feeling for some reason.

A Public Service Announcement for All Mormon Homosexuals

2010-03-21T16:14:00.001-06:00

That is all.

Beware of Abortion!

2010-03-04T20:24:00.002-07:00

Recently the internet at my work has been blocked for certain sites (like youtube), presumably to keep us from wasting time. A few weeks ago, however, I was reading someone's blog and when I clicked to look at older blog entries I received a notification that the page was blocked. The reason it gave for blocking: abortion. First off, the blog I was looking at was a Mormon housewife type blog, so I'm sure there was no mention of abortion on it. Second, why the hell does my work think they need to block pages about abortion? Sure, it's a gruesome topic, but it is still a legal activity. I'm mostly just curious why that specific term has been blocked on our company's internet. Do we have a problem with people researching how to perform abortions here? Is this a slippery slope that will result in blocking pages ranging from universal healthcare to stem cell research? Will we only be able to visit Glenn Beck's homepage by the end?

Update: The SUU newspaper website is also blocked because of "abortion." WTF?

Mommy May I?

2010-03-01T02:27:00.003-07:00

One trend I have noticed in Mormon gays during the coming out process is the intense fear of making parents unhappy or disappointed. Many gays I have talked to have said that they wish they weren't gay because it's so hard on their mothers. The ones that haven't come out to their parents yet are often terrified that they will be major disappointments. Many fear they will not be loved anymore.

Some of these gays have also said that they can't pursue a gay life because of this fear of making parents unhappy. They have said that if they got a boyfriend, their parents would never truly be happy for them, even if they came to accept it. They feel that it would be better for them to be closeted and miserable but have their parents be happy than have them be out and satisfied but have their parents be disappointed.

All I can say (and I hope Sarah Palin can forgive my word choice) is that this reasoning is retarded.

The happiness of my family is, of course, a major concern for me. I would do most anything for them. However, when I was 23 I came to the decision that I was tired of fighting who I really was, and I wanted to find a boyfriend and live life as a gay man. I knew that my parents would not approve of this decision, but I knew that I would never be happy if I didn't pursue it. I don't say this to be dramatic, but if I had not made that choice, I would most likely be dead today. In this one aspect of my life, I put my desires before the desires of my family. I don't regret that decision.

Now that I am out to my family and they know that I have a boyfriend, I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been, and my relationship with my family has never been healthier. Have I made my parents incredibly sad through this process? Definitely. Even though they accept me and my boyfriend, do they wish I weren't gay? I'm sure that is the case. Do I care that they would wish that? Not at all.

The fact of the matter is, I am gay, I have a boyfriend, I am happy, and I don't think that I am selfish for being happy about it. I don't worry if I have disappointed my parents by pursuing who I feel I really am because it's really not up to them whether I like boys or girls. Just like it's not up to them whether I'm born with brown eyes or blue. They could rail against me for feeling that I am right handed if they felt left was correct, but that wouldn't change the fact that I am right handed. Allow me the use of the cliché "we can't please everybody." There are many thing we should do to please our parents/family. We should always treat them kindly and strive to serve them. We cannot, however, fight our sexual orientation in order to please them.

No Regrets

2010-02-25T02:27:00.002-07:00

There seems to be a common theme among gay mormon blogs lately, and I wanted to chip in. "Am I happy to be gay?"

I can definitively say that since the day I admitted to myself that I was gay and I didn't want to deny it any longer, I have never for one instance wished I weren't gay. I can honestly say that I LOVE being gay. Does that mean I make my life one gigantic rainbow parade? No. Like Chedner I don't see being gay as "just another characteristic" of my persona. I love who I am. I love where my life is. I love my boyfriend and my group of supportive friends. I would be lying to myself if I said that I would be mostly the same person if I weren't gay. I can honestly say, if given the choice to magically turn straight, I would not take it. I value who I am too much to trade it away. This post got all sappy and "I love myself" very fast. Oh well.

Honor Code Spies

2010-02-09T19:39:00.004-07:00

About a week ago, my boyfriend and I talked to someone who used to work for the Honor Code office at BYU. This person is gay, and he used to chat with people on a fake profile on connexion . What we didn't know before was that (according to what he told us about a week ago) he had been told by officials at the Honor Code office to create this fake profile to catch gay BYU students.

I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. It seemed ridiculous to me that the HCO would commission its employees to commit a form of identity theft (via using someone else's photos to create a profile on a social networking site). Having seen the workings of the HCO firsthand though, I know that such practices wouldn't be beyond them. Ethics have no place in the HCO.

In response to this shocking revelation, Rev. Dennis Busch of eGRACE International has instituted a new program to verify that online profiles are not being used by Honor Code spies. If you would like to certify your online profile, whether it be connexion, facebook, myspace, etc., please follow this link and register. Together with eGRACE, we can all create a more secure online environment.

Damn Homos with their Gay Sex!

2010-02-08T18:39:00.003-07:00

Post deleted.

One In A Million

2010-01-13T02:20:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I am reminded of how gay I was when I was younger and it makes me wonder how I managed to still tell myself I wasn't gay. One such instance happened tonight. Miss Congeniality was on TV and my friend Austin was watching it. Then at the following part of the movie, both of us started singing along, and we both admitted that we loved the song when we were younger. How did I not know I was gay when I liked songs like this?

I'm So Stupid

2009-12-16T17:36:00.004-07:00

Post redacted.

Our Lady of Gaga

2009-12-14T00:44:00.005-07:00

I would just like to take this moment to give appreciation to Our Lady of Gaga, patron saint of homosexuals. Thanks be given to Rev. Dennis, founder of eGRACE International and Silver Beaver of the HOGB for bringing us her good word.

Save The Women's Research Institute

2009-11-24T15:34:00.006-07:00

In October, BYU announced that they would be getting rid of the Women's Research Institute on campus. I first heard about the announcement on facebook through the status of a friend of mine. Hours later, she and a few other people had organized an effort to save the WRI. They created a facebook group and changed their profile photos to ones like the following:

I immediately joined the cause and then created a series of propaganda that really doesn't make sense, but is nice to look at:

(I like that she's holding the hot dog - or weenie - in her hand as though she has the power to destroy the manhood of anyone that dare cross her)

You wouldn't want your sister to end up looking like this, would you? (Well, that attractive Anna Wintour type person wouldn't be so bad...)

Okay, so this one is absolutely pointless, but damn he is attractive.

And this one is just good clean family fun, and I really think it gets across the urgency of the message.

UPDATE: Forgot to post this one.

The Solution To The Big Problem

2009-11-23T01:46:00.004-07:00

Let it be said that I am not a major Twilight fan, merely a casual movie watcher. That being said, I have found my personal solution to the Team Edward/ Team Jacob dilemma. I would like to BE a Cullen, but DATE Jacob.

Jacob is by FAR more attractive, and more exciting than Edward, and I would definitely be all up on that. The Cullens, however, have very nice things, and cool powers and shit. So there we have it. Live with the Cullens, but go for Jacob. Sounds like a plan to me.

(My boyfriend, however, is quite Team Edward, which works out for both of us, seeing as how I'm pasty white and he's Native American. We each chose to go for what the other is, so it works out).

My Most Common Word Collage

2009-11-11T00:33:00.002-07:00

Get your word collage here.

Halloween 2009

2009-11-01T22:06:00.006-07:00

I previously posted about what I wanted to be for Halloween. Well, I actually went with the plan to be Anna Wintour, and I'm quite pleased with how it went.

I dressed up for our Halloween Game Night, and had a really great time. My feet hurt like a son of a bitch in my heels by the end of the night, but it was worth it. (By the way, if anyone reading this took pictures at the Game Night, please send them to me, even if I'm not in them. Thanks!)

On Saturday a few friends and I decided to get in our costumes and head to WalMart, just to see how people would react to our fairly controversial costumes.

I know you normally wouldn't see Anna Wintour shopping for scented candles in WalMart, but there you have it.

My friend Austin was a sexy mouse, like Karen from Mean Girls. You can't really see his costume in this photo, but he's definitely showing off the assets...

And finally we have Devin, in his Bruno costume, showing plenty of cheek.

We had an employee at WalMart came over to us saying, "They told me I have to give you candy... so, here you go..." She seemed really nervous to have to even talk to us. Sure, we were obviously gay, but that doesn't mean we'd hurt her. Haha. Then some guy came over and asked to take a photo with us. Needless to say, a good time was had by all, except the girl with the candy.

Halloween Game Night

2009-10-07T20:14:00.003-06:00

How would you like to attend the greatest social event of the season? How would you like to be one of the "cool kids"? How would you like to be popular? Game Night promises all these things and more, and you are cordially invited to partake. If you would like to attend, let me know, either by leaving a comment or sending me an email (you can find a link to my email on my profile). If you would like to receive the official facebook invite (the event is listed as "secret" on there so those who aren't out yet are free to say "attending") let me know. This Game Night will be Halloween themed, and costumes are required. It should be lots of fun, and there should be lots of people to meet, so please let me know if you're interested. It will be October 28th at 8:00 pm.

Quite Gay...

2009-10-02T15:42:00.003-06:00

This video is thoroughly gay, and I love it. I can't stop watching it for some reason.

A friend of mine found it on a site called HomoShame. A site run by gay guys who post things that make them ashamed to be gay. While I do admit that there are many times I feel "homoshame" I do find it a little troubling that we would have to be ashamed of our own. The situation raises quite the dilemma for me.

I have always been one to champion the rights of the extremely gay (the cripplingly effeminate, if you will). I hate it when people have to specify "no femmes" on their connexion profile or on craigslist posts (not that I read those...). While I'm not the most masculine person, I'm also not classified as a "femme", but I still get offended when people say things like that. Some of my best friends belong in that category and I don't know what I would do without them. I see absolutely nothing wrong with being "quite gay." I don't believe in telling someone to act less gay.

I do, however, have a problem with how people express their gayness sometimes. The problem is, I have no idea where to draw the line, or even if I have a right to want to draw a line. For instance, I have an intense hatred of leather and the bears who enjoy it, but I have no problem with drag queens. I'm not trying to tell people what they should or shouldn't be, but wouldn't it be nice if all gays could have the class of Tim Gunn and the looks of JP Calderon?

I really have no idea what I'm trying to say. I'm not hoping to change any minds with this post. I went into writing this feeling like I had a profound message, but the only moral to this story I can think of right now is: Leather is gross and there's nothing wrong with a womanly man.

The End.

October MoHo Post

2009-10-01T17:52:00.002-06:00

In response to Abelard's call to action, and in light of having nothing to do today, I have decided to respond to this month's MoHo topic: Where are you in your journey?

How did you get to where you are today?

I've written about this before so I won't go into detail about the beginnings. Where I am today is a good place. My family is surprisingly accepting of me and my boyfriend, and so far they seem to be welcoming us as a regular couple. When my parents first found out about me they wanted to change me and told me that I was too young to know I wasn't straight. I had my mom read "In Quiet Desperation" and it helped her to realize that it's not something I can change. I think it also gave her false hope that I would stay in the church though. Time has been my biggest ally in gaining family acceptance. Things might seem shitty at first, but in time they really do get better.

Are you happy with where you are? why or why not?

I am very happy with where I am right now. I couldn't have dreamed that things would be how they are now. When I was a self-hating teenager, I thought that I would have to choose to either be gay, or to be with my family. I never could have imagined that I could have both. Sure there are things I wish were better, but overall I am very satisfied with where I'm at.

Where do you see yourself in the future?

Location wise, I have no idea. I know we'll eventually have to move out of Utah County if we really want to have a productive life as a gay couple, but I don't know where we'll end up. In 10 years I would hope that me and my boyfriend will be settled down somewhere, married, maybe with a kid, and life will be good. That's the goal, at least.

What roadblocks do you have and/or have overcome?

I think I've talked on my blog before about all the roadblocks I've encountered. The main roadblock I see in the future is finding a convenient state where my boyfriend and I can get legally married. Why can't we have any west coast states with gay marriage? (damn you, California!)

What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?

Anything I have to say here might be either good or bad advice. A lot depends on your situation. Be very careful about who you come out to when you're first coming out. Don't freak out when the shit hits the fan, just keep calm and it will get better. And finally, sometimes it might be better to give people a reason to suspect you're gay and let that idea stew for a while. I did this with my siblings and it gave them time to accept it before they finally asked about it.

What advice do you have for family and friends?

I probably don't have any advice that hasn't been given before. Just be patient and accepting.

So yeah, I realize that was a really boring post (my fault, not the topic's fault), but there you have it.

Anti-Gay Observations

2009-09-28T17:57:00.002-06:00

Story #1:

At my new job I am a receptionist for a business in Provo. I sit at a desk with three other receptionists and we direct phone calls to people in the company. All the other receptionists are girls, and only the one who hired me knows I'm gay. I've been debating on whether to bring this fact up with the other girls, but so far I've decided I'll just wait until they ask.

So today one of the guys that works here was talking with some of the girls about a guy they hired who has Transformers tattoos. One of the girls said, "That's gay," (meaning stupid), and the other girl, not catching her meaning said, "I don't think that's gay. Transformers are too manly to be gay. Gay guys would get like a rainbow tattooed on their back or something." I was going to contradict her, but I held back. Most of my friends who watched the last Transformers movie were gay. I didn't hear much buzz about it from my straight friends, but the gay ones all went to see it. Also, 99% of my gay friends hate rainbows. Hearing their conversation didn't piss me off at all. I didn't mind what they said, but it did show me that maybe they won't be as accepting as I was thinking they would be.

Story #2:

I was talking with my transgendered friend (she is male to female, pre-op) the other day, and she said that she wants her first wedding to be at Disney World. I said, "First Wedding? You're already planning on being the next Elizabeth Taylor?" and she said, "Well of course, you can't expect me to stay married to one guy!"

This conversation would have been funny, were it not for the fact that my tranny friend is very anti gay marriage. It upsets me quite a bit that she is planning on getting married and divorced several times (after she buys a vagina she can legally do so in any state she pleases) but she would deny me the right to have the ONE marriage me and my boyfriend so desperately want and need. I told her this, and she just joked it off saying, "Well I have to stay true to my conservative upbringing." Which is the most fucked up reasoning there is, I believe.

Why is it that some of the most virulently anti gay marriage people are also the ones who are disrespectful of straight marriage? Will my gay marriage somehow ruin each and every one of my tranny friend's marriages? Will me being married to the man I love somehow cheapen the marriage of some rich old guy to a pretty little "girl" with a refurbished beaver? I can't see how it could.

Obligatory September Masturbation Post

2009-09-27T20:29:00.002-06:00

Since September is now National MoHo Masturbation Month I thought I'd contribute my two cents on the subject. Did you know that masturbation, though enjoyable, can also be incredibly creepy? Case in point, this video:

I Just Love St. Paul Pork Products

2009-09-23T17:16:00.001-06:00

Eht Weiv

2009-09-16T20:17:00.001-06:00

About a month ago my friends and I decided to film a parody of The View to post on YouTube. I've held off on posting this video here because, in all honesty, it's not very good. The sound quality is horrible, and we're not as funny as we thought we were, but yeah... I guess I don't have anything to lose by posting it here. And if you're still wondering who I am, I'm the first one that shows up in the intro (and to be honest, the intro is the most worthwhile part of the whole video, save perhaps the commercial break). Enjoy (or at least try to)!

Halloween Yearnings

2009-09-15T20:04:00.005-06:00

I have been thinking long and hard about what to be for Halloween. I have a bad history of costume ideas. It seems every Halloween I either decide to be something that's not funny, or some obscure celebrity that nobody recognizes. Last year I was the girl who claimed that some Obama fans beat her up and marked a "B" on her cheek after a McCain rally (it was later found that she simply gave herself a black eye and carved the "B" on her own cheek. The "B" was backwards, obviously done in a mirror). I thought she was hilarious, but nobody else had been following her story, so nobody knew who I was.

My default costume during high school was Harry Potter. I usually had shaggy hair around Halloween, so all i did was put on a scar and don some glasses and I was set. In middle school, I simply wore a name tag that said "Tom Shane" from the Shane Co. (on the corner of State St. and 7200 S. Open Monday through Friday 'til 8, Saturday 'til 5, closed Sundays. Also available online at Shaneco.com).

Well, this year, I really want to be Anna Wintour. The hard thing for me to realize is that not everyone cares as much about her as I do. Not everyone follows Gawker religiously, mainly to get news about Anna Wintour. I've been looking online for Anna Wintour type wigs, to see how much this would cost to become a reality. But I'm starting to think it won't be worth it. Sure, I'll look stunning, but I think yet another evening of explaining my costume might not be worth it.

I guess this makes us official

2009-09-15T16:31:00.002-06:00

My sister just messaged me on facebook about our Christmas gift exchange. We alternate every year, so one year I'll give a gift to my sister and her husband, and the next I'll give it to my brother and his wife, etc. Well, this year, my sister asked if my boyfriend and I would like to be included on the gift exchange as a couple. So we'll be receiving a gift as a couple instead of just having me receiving the gift.

I'm still amazed at how far my family has progressed in the past year. I wanted more than anything for the family to view my boyfriend as just another in-law. I really feel that they are trying to include him in the family now.

And finally, in the interest of not posting boring photo-less posts, here is another photo that I like of me and my boyfriend. Apparently people like to take pictures of us walking from behind.

I Really Want To See This

2009-09-11T02:43:00.002-06:00

I love Anna Wintour. I wish I could be her for a day.

Why I use a pseudonym

2009-09-07T18:18:00.002-06:00

A friend of mine asked me why I use a pseudonym on my blog, and it made me wonder.

Many of the people who might read my blog are friends with me on facebook, so they already know who I am, and any others who read it are welcome to add me on facebook as well, so it's not like I don't want the MoHo community to know who I am.

I like to use the excuse that I don't want my mom to find this blog and know it's mine. Well, if she reads any of the posts, she'll know for sure that it's mine. (Also, if you follow the "Connexion" link on my sidebar it takes you to a page that says "you have been referred by [my name]" and shows my photo. Haha).

So why do I use a pseudonym? I think it's mostly so my mom can't google my name and find me, honestly. So I've decided that though I will keep using my pseudonym, there's no harm in being more open about my identity. So here is the first photo I've ever posted of myself on this website. It's a photo of me and my bf. I know it doesn't show our faces, but hey, it's the first photo I've posted here. Baby steps...

Family Drama!

2009-09-04T17:37:00.004-06:00

Post Deleted

So True

2009-09-02T13:38:00.002-06:00

The only excuse for not knowing every detail about your child's life is having a life of your own.

The Whole Family Knows Now

2009-09-01T00:44:00.002-06:00

So my mom talked to my brother tonight and told him I'm gay. He'd already suspected and done some research on it, so he was already very understanding. He called me shortly after to say that he and his family love me, and me being gay doesn't change anything. The thing that made me a little sad is that my nephew cried when my brother told him that I wouldn't be baptizing him, but there's nothing I can really do about that. I didn't even know my nephew liked me that much. Haha. I'm glad I have such a loving family, and I'm glad that they are all so understanding. My mom said yesterday that my sister and my brother are a lot further in their acceptance of homosexuality than she was when she found out about me. I'm actually surprised at how well they are taking it. I figured when my sister found out she was going to cry every day for a year and then once a month every year after that, but she seems very accepting. And I like it that my brother keeps saying that me being gay doesn't change anything. I feel so lucky to have the family I do. They've come a long way in the past year and a half. I almost feel like thanking my cousin for outing me. Almost.

The question now remains: What do I do about extended family? Do I deal with them as they come, or do I come out publicly (via facebook or my other blog) and get it all over with? I really want to come out on facebook and see how many friends I lose, but I don't feel that it would be right to let the extended family know in that way. Thoughts?

Quick Update

2009-08-30T21:36:00.002-06:00

I just got off the phone with my mom. She said my sister (who doesn't know I'm gay) called her (just for background purposes, I have two sisters, one that knows I'm gay already and one that doesn't, and one brother who doesn't know). Anyway, this sister asked my mom if I'm gay. I talked to my mom a few days ago and told her that if anyone asks she is allowed to tell them. So my mom told my sister that yes, I'm gay.

My mom emphasized that my sister loved me so much and she just wanted me to be happy. She said that my sister had asked my brother if he thought I was gay, and he said, "If he were it wouldn't change how I feel about him. I just love him so much." My mom kept saying that they all love me, and of course they wish there were a way I would still wish to be active in the church, but they want me to be happy.

Possibly the most interesting part is that my mom said when she prays about me she always gets a peaceful feeling and knows that everything is alright. I was really glad to hear that. When my mom first found out about me, she cried every night worrying about me. I'm glad that she at least now has peace about it.

I can't believe how much progress I've made with my family. I wish all gay mormons could be so lucky.

Innuendo

2009-08-09T01:44:00.002-06:00

I love sexual innuendo. I don't have any thoughts about that to post here, but I do want to share my two favorite Saturday Night Live sexual innuendo skits. Enjoy!

First, Colonel Angus:

Second, Prince Charles:

Roommates

2009-08-07T22:11:00.002-06:00

So my bf and I live in an apartment with two other roommates. They are moving out at the end of the month though, and we need to find replacements. So if you're looking for somewhere to live in Provo, either leave me a comment or send me an email (link on my profile). Thanks :)

Testimony

2009-08-06T00:45:00.002-06:00

Is it bad that I'm grateful I never had a real testimony of the church? When I was an active member, I wanted more than anything to believe. I prayed endlessly to know if the church was true. Yet I never got an answer. On my mission I identified the two major lapses in my belief of the church. I had never felt that Jesus was the son of God, and I never felt that Joseph Smith was a prophet. No matter how hard I tried, I could not feel any closer to Jesus and I couldn't feel that Joseph Smith had really been called of God. I read the New Testament so I could know of Jesus' mortal ministry. I prayed again and again to have a testimony, but still I just didn't believe in him. When I finally decided to come out, it was partially because I'd never had a testimony of the church and I didn't see a point in hiding who I really was because of a church I didn't believe in.

Now, as I read other blogs of gay mormons, I see that a lot of them are torn between their firm testimonies of the church and their homosexuality. Reading these blogs makes me grateful that I never had a testimony to tear me apart like that. So that's why I'm asking: Is it bad that I'm grateful I never believed?

Guess I'm More Obvious Than I Thought

2009-07-27T19:59:00.002-06:00

Today I was chatting online with a girl I worked with at my old job. She always used to ask me if I'd been out with any girls, and I'd always say no. Since it was a BYU job, I didn't want to get in trouble, so I just pretended like I was a lonely bachelor. Here's how a bit of our conversation went.

HER: dating anyone lately?
ME: haha. what do you think?
HER: nope. why so anti-dating?
ME: haha. you don't want to know
HER: uh maybe i do. or maybe i hve an assumption.... that could turn into a correction if someone wanted it to be...
ME: oh? i'm curious
HER: eh. if it's wrong it might hurt your feelings. if i'm right, then i'm right.
ME: haha. i'm pretty sure it's not wrong
HER: are you gay.....
ME: yep
HER: oh. i kind of figured that

I've been wanting to tell her for a long time, but I've just been too lazy/scared to do so. I'm glad she figured it out on her own, and I'm not embarrassed or anything that she was able to tell. I've never been one to think it's shameful to seem gay. I'm positive most of us can agree that there is nothing wrong with being gay, but some of us probably have a problem with people who seem gay (as in, you can tell by looking at or listening to them). I don't mind people like that, and I don't mind if people can tell that about me. I was however shocked by what she said after that.

She said the other girl I worked with had suspected and my BOSS had suspected as well. Haha. I was so shocked that my boss would figure it out. I guess I didn't give her enough credit. Since my job was at BYU I assumed that my coworkers would be more naive and more willing to give the benefit of the doubt like most Mormons do, eg: "He's not gay, he's just more in touch with his emotions" or "He's not gay, he's just artisic" etc. But no, they saw right through me. Haha. I hope now they will understand why I had to leave that job. It was the most perfect job I'll probably have for a long time, but I couldn't stay because I had to get out of BYU.

In the rest of our conversation she assured me that she's a free-thinker because she was "raised on the east coast" and that it's no big deal. I know that she's pretty religious though (she's a semi-recent convert, and she frequently bears her testimony on her blog), so I'm not sure how she really feels about me having a boyfriend, but she did seem pretty supportive. I'm planning on going back to my old work to visit this week, and if anything else interesting happens now that I'm "out" there, I'll let you know. It mostly just feels good to being one step closer to being completely out. Someone just needs to kick me and force me to come out to my two remaining siblings who don't know. Haha.

Memoirs of a Geisha

2009-07-23T01:51:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I just get in moods where I remember how much I love Memoirs of a Geisha. I love the music in the movie more than anything else. My favorite song is The Chairman's Waltz. I'll post first the part where the song plays in the movie, then I'll post the song just by itself. I also have the song in both my playlists to the right. Haha.

Playlist

2009-07-16T01:36:00.003-06:00

I posted another playlist on the side of my blog. The playlist I already have here is nice (I can sure use mellow instrumental music every once in a while) but the new playlist is the kind of music I listen to every day. It will give you a better idea of who I really am. Let me know if you like it. I put way too much thought into which songs to include on this playlist. Haha. The only reason I haven't posted it before is that it's posted on my other blog, and I'm still terrified that one day my mom will somehow stumble across this blog and reprimand me for putting such personal information on the internet. A matching playlist with my other blog would be a concrete clue as to my real identity. However, I don't care anymore. I want to share the music I love with the rest of the blogging community. Let me know what you think.

Belated Good News

2009-07-11T17:41:00.003-06:00

I've been meaning to post about something for a while. It's been almost a week since it happened and I'm just too lazy to share it. So finally here it is.

I got a call from my oldest sister last Sunday. She lives out of state with her husband and kids, so I don't get to see her too often. The conversation started out basic enough, "How are you?", "What have you been up to?" etc. Then she said, "So I'm mainly calling to see if what mom said about you having problems with your testimony is still true." (My mom issued a press release of sorts to my siblings to let them know that they should pray for me because I'm struggling with the church. Haha).

I thought she was going to encourage me back to church and stuff, so I tried to be a little vague about it and mainly said, "Yeah, I haven't been going to church much lately," etc.

She could sense my guardedness and said, "I'm not trying to lecture you or anything, the reason I'm asking is because I'm having struggles with my testimony as well." She told me about her problems with the church, including polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, and prop 8, and then asked me about my conflicts with the church. I figured, no reason to beat around the bush, so I told her I'm gay. She assured me that she completely understands and is totally supportive. The rest of our conversation we talked about how it's going to be hard fitting in with the rest of the family when we're not active in the church. She is worried that my mom is going to keep trying to get her to come back to church and that it will complicate her relationship with the rest of the family. I told her that I was mainly worried that whenever the family talked about me, they would always have to add extra things like, "...but he's such a great person" at the end. Like there will always have to be an asterisk at the end of my name leading to a footnote that says, "he's gay, and not an active member of the church, but we still love him and hope with all our hearts he will come back to us some day."

It was good to talk to my sister and be able to be open and honest with her. It was especially good to have her be so supportive of me. I always thought that if someone in my immediate family would be supportive of me leading an active gay life, it would be her, and I was right. It's funny because just the night before I was texting a friend saying that if everyone in my extended family knew about me, I would become the "evil one" to the rest of the family. I would be the one who messed up. I would be the one who they wouldn't be seeing in heaven. My friend assured me that someone else in my family would end up doing something too, like go to jail, or become an unwed mother. I know nobody on that side of my family is going to do something like that, but it is comforting to see that I'm not the only one in my generation who can leave the church. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my feelings. It makes me a little sad to see another of my mom's children "go astray" because she's already suffered enough from me, but it's still good to have the full support of my sister.

My Lover's Gone

2009-07-01T02:07:00.002-06:00

So my boyfriend was planning on leaving tomorrow to go home for the 4th of July. His aunt told him she'd pick him up at 1. Well, it turns out that she meant 1 am, and she just barely came to pick him up. He hurried to pack, kissed me, and left. I miss him already, but I think I'm getting better at not being depressed when he leaves. The first time we were ever apart I cried for the first few days. Haha. I'm not in tears now, but I still really miss him. It makes me think of one of my favorite Dido songs. It's not entirely applicable, but I'll still post it here anyway.

Self Hating Book Report

2009-06-27T18:26:00.002-06:00

In my room at my parents' house I have boxes upon boxes of old homework assignments and notes from classes. I used to be a major packrat and never threw anything away, but now that I don't really give as much sentimental value to junk, I've been going through them and throwing stuff away that really has no use.

While going through some old papers from high school today I came across a book report I wrote in 11th grade. It was for a young adult novel called "The Misfits" by James Howe. I remember loving that book because one of the main characters was gay, and *spoiler alert!* in the end of the book he gets a boyfriend. I started reading the book report though, and was appalled at what I wrote. I can't believe I was so self hating and in denial.

In my summary of the book, I talk about Joe, the gay character, and describe him as follows: "Joe is in love with Colin, which is creepy, but if you don't think about it too much it doesn't bug you."

At the end of the report I wrote a few paragraphs entirely about Joe:
"Another reason this book is so good is because James Howe takes things that we're not used to, and maybe even object to, and makes us see a different point of view. The biggest example of this is, of course, Joe.
"I'm not trying to say that I agree with the point of view about gays in this book. I am still firm in the LDS beliefs about this topic. My main point is that James Howe did an excellent job confronting a controversial and touchy topic.
"As soon as Joe got the note telling him to go to the flagpole, I knew who the note was from. This is where James Howe's genius writing comes in. In my mind, the idea of Joe hooking up with Colin is disturbing and wrong. However, I couldn't help rooting for Joe. I couldn't wait to finish the book because (even though this is disgusting) I wanted to see Joe find out that Colin likes him. James Howe makes Joe so likable that we can't help but want him to be happy (whatever that might entail). I don't approve of Joe's behavior and find it thoroughly repugnant."

I find it incredibly interesting and saddening that I felt such a great need to say that homosexuality is "repugnant." In retrospect, I think I wasn't so much amazed with the writing of a crappy young adult author as I was amazed at reading the story of young gay kids falling in love. I probably felt like I had to distance myself from their homosexuality in the book report by saying it was disgusting, when really I was intrigued by it and longed for what Joe found in the book. This just goes to show you what growing up in the closet can do to you. Haha. I'm glad I eventually got over this mindset. I really am glad to be who I am. I really do like being gay, and if given the choice, I would not choose to be straight. That's all for today, I'll try to be a more regular blogger from now on (thanks for the reminder, Austin!).

The Man I Love

2009-06-04T01:19:00.002-06:00

I have the most amazing boyfriend.

My laptop recently died and while I was at work he took it to Simply Mac for me to get it fixed. They called me this morning saying it was fixed and I could come pick it up. I am a bit low on funds, and I don't get paid until Friday, so I planned to wait on picking it up until then.

Then I come home from work today, give my boyfriend a kiss and a hug. Then I noticed my laptop sitting on my chair. My boyfriend picked my laptop up today and paid for it. I told him I'd pay him back and he wouldn't hear of it. He said he knew I missed it and had a hard time living without it. Haha. He is so considerate and I love him very much. I'm so lucky to have him. I'm getting sappy now, so I'll end it there :)

GSA and High School Memories

2009-05-30T17:28:00.002-06:00

Reading Sarah's post about the GSA at her school got me thinking about how homosexuality was viewed when I went to high school in little ol' Provo, Utah.

During my senior prom I overheard the administration arguing with two girls, one girl wearing a dress and the other wearing a tux. The girls were lesbians who wanted to promenade with the rest of the students and the administration was not going to let them. I heard students around me asking, "How did they even get tickets to come to the Prom? I thought that wasn't allowed!"

I don't remember whether the girls were eventually allowed to promenade or not, but I don't think they were. They later joined with the ACLU to make the issue more public and it was in newspapers all over the state. Of course I didn't see a problem with them promenading, even though I was in extreme denial back then, but it's interesting to think about how the administration and a majority of the students were outraged that a gay couple would want to join in the promenade at Junior Prom.

I was in the student government at my high school for a couple of years, and each year the faculty advisor would go over the school constitution (i.e. how clubs are formed, the rankings of student government offices, etc.). He used examples of clubs that could be formed and clubs that could not. He mentioned that a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) would not be allowed at the school. I wish I remembered the reasoning behind it, but I don't. It might have been that we weren't allowed to have political clubs or something like that. All the same, everyone in the student government acted like GSA was a ludicrous idea that should be avoided like the plague.

When I got home from my mission I heard that a GSA had been formed at my high school, and it was a major source of controversy in local newspapers.

I'm not sure what my point in remembering all of this is, but it is interesting to see how normal intolerance of homosexuality seemed to me back then. It did not seem odd to me that GSA should be viewed as a terrorist organization. It didn't seem odd to me that a gay couple at promenade would be a problem. If I were to go back to high school today knowing what I know now, I think I would be outraged at the intolerance I would find there. It surprises me to realize that I was even drawn in by that intolerance back then.

It wasn't until the last few months of my mission that I decided it was okay to support gay marriage. Until that point, I always felt that as a Mormon I was not allowed to support certain political movements, even if I was very liberal. I had decided long ago that I was pro-choice, but for some reason I wasn't sure what feelings I was allowed to have on gay marriage.

Then on one P-Day, we were sitting around on the grass behind a church and one of the sister missionaries said to me, "So I hear you're a liberal." My liberalism was legendary among the missionaries, even though the ONLY thing I had ever said regarding my political affiliation was that I would vote for John Kerry. Somehow all the missionaries had gotten it into their heads that I was Michael Moore in their midst. Anyway, this particular sister missionary was rumored to be liberal as well.

"Yeah, I'm liberal," I said.

"I doubt that," She said. "You're another Peter Priesthood like all the rest of them. Prove to me that you're liberal."

"How?"

"Okay, tell me this... when I was back in Michigan we had to vote on whether to allow gay marriages or not. Which way would you vote?" She asked.

I thought about it for a second. I wanted to prove to her that I was liberal. For some reason it bothered me to have her think that I could be a conservative Mormony bastard like some of the other missionaries. I'd never said that I supported gay marriage, but all my feelings were that it was good. So I told her that I would vote for gay marriage.

"Good," she said. "That's how I voted."

From that day forth I wasn't as afraid to own up to my beliefs. I didn't feel like I had to conform.

Anyway, I'm rambling now, so I'll end here by posting a video of a song I really like. It's called "No Hole In My Head" by Malvina Reynolds.

One More Time With Feeling...

2009-05-26T02:27:00.002-06:00

I don't have anything profound or even anything specific to say tonight. I just haven't posted in a while, so I though I should at least post something. So here's a video of Regina Spektor singing "One More Time With Feeling," possibly my favorite Regina song of all time. I don't really have a reason for posting it, but I'm in that kind of mood where this song just feels perfect.

Defense

2009-05-12T02:15:00.002-06:00

I didn't write a Mother's day post. I love my mom very much, but I'm not one for writing sentimental posts about her. My sister did though, and something she wrote just barely hit me. When I read it, I didn't think much of it, but the significance of it just hit me. On her blog she thanked my dad for always teaching us to treat my mom right. If we ever said anything mean to my mom and my dad was around, he would immediately say, "Don't say things like that to your mom!" and you could tell he meant it. My parents were never the type to threaten or anything like that, and my dad has always been very calm. He was very passionate about making sure we treated my mom with love though.

It used to bug me when I was younger. I thought, "Let mom defend herself. If we say something mean, let her deal with it herself." But tonight I realized that I love and respect how my dad defends my mom. She is perfectly capable of defending herself, and he's not fighting her battles, but he loves her and if he hears someone treat her less than kindly he will make sure to let them know that's not okay. And that's not just because she's a woman. I think my dad would do that for any of his kids if someone were mean to them.

My realization tonight was that this mentality has been deeply embedded in my life. Without realizing it, my dad's example has taught me to care what others say about the people I love. If someone ever says anything mean about my boyfriend, I'm going to let them know that's not okay, and I would hope he would do the same for me. My boyfriend is completely more than capable of fighting his own battles, but the point of it is not to fight someone else's battles. I think the point of standing up for them is to show your love and respect. You don't talk shit about someone I love and get away with it. I'm not going to turn a blind eye and say, "It's not my battle." If it involves someone I love, you'd better be sure as hell it's my battle, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

Walking to BYU

2009-05-10T22:44:00.003-06:00

Since my gym is closed on Sunday, I decided to go on a walk tonight as a form of light Sunday exercise. I started by walking to the Provo temple and then to BYU campus. I'm glad I'm not going to school at BYU anymore, but I still kind of miss it. I did have some good times there and some great professors. I just wish the honor code office didn't exist. Anyway, it was a long walk, so I had a lot of time to think and listen to my iPod. It was really peaceful and really helped me relax. I also took the time to do stupid little things I'd never done before on campus. I didn't do anything big, I just sat down on stairs that are usually really busy, I went into little nooks I'd never been in before, etc. The biggest thing I did that I'd never done on campus before was touch Massasoit's taint. He's probably my favorite statue on BYU campus, and I considered it an honor to briefly poke under his skirts (I mostly did it because I figured that's probably the area he's less likely to have been touched by other BYU students. I like being unique, I guess). Anyway, my walk tonight made me want to go visit BYU some more during the summer. I miss the campus, especially when there's nobody there. Sunday night around nine o'clock is perfect.

Acceptance

2009-05-07T15:24:00.003-06:00

As Austin pointed out to me today, it's been a while since my last post. Now that school is out, I'll try to post more regularly.

Last night my bf and I went to my mom's house for leftover fajitas. We had a Cinco de Mayo party on Monday (so it was actually Cuatro de Mayo) and had so much food leftover that my mom decided to have a repeat on Wednesday.

My sister was there with all her kids, and my brother was there with all his kids. Neither of their spouses could come, so they were a little overwhelmed with their kids. As usual, I took turns holding babies so my sister wouldn't go crazy with stress. It was crazy; all the babies wanted to be held and the kids kept fighting over everything, so the parents needed a lot of help. My bf, who usually feels awkward around my nieces and nephews, actually held one of the babies and played with the kids.

On the drive home, my bf said he wasn't sure if my brother and sister would be alright with him holding their kids. He felt like it might be weird for them to have a stranger holding their babies, and he especially thought they might not like it after they find out he's my bf. I assured him that they wouldn't mind one bit.

Then today my mom talked to me about last night. She said it looked like my bf seemed more comfortable last night with the family, and I told her about his worries from the night before. She said, "Oh of course he should hold the babies!"

It made me feel good to talk to my mom like that today. We didn't specifically mention me being gay, but she knows I am, and she knows I'm with my bf. It just felt good to have a normal conversation about my relationship that didn't focus on how my mom is sad I'm not active in the church anymore. For the first time it felt like my bf and I are becoming a normal couple in her eyes.

I don't know how accepting of us she really is, but the conversation today still showed progress, and I can just keep hoping that things continue to get better.

Late Night/Early Morning Thoughts

2009-05-02T04:47:00.003-06:00

It's nearly five in the morning and I haven't been able to sleep. I just re-watched "C.R.A.Z.Y." and it got me all inspired to do stuff. Haha. I tried going to sleep, but I felt like writing my coming out letter to my siblings instead. I wrote a good chunk of it and I think I have some good stuff. I'm going to come back to it later to finish it though. Maybe I'll have fresh ideas or a new perspective tomorrow.

I wrote my mission president back the other day. I decided not to mention being gay at this point. I answered all his other questions from his email, but simply ignored the one about marriage for now. I'm not afraid to discuss the matter with him, I just didn't feel like bringing it up at this point. If he replies to my email, I might begin a discussion.

After working on a draft of my coming out letter tonight I decided to finish writing an email to my aunt. My aunt is the coolest aunt ever. My mom describes her as a free spirit. I like to think of her as my own version of Auntie Mame. I just wrote her an email to update her on my life. She and her family basically knew I was gay before I did, and they've always been waiting there to support me. It does feel good to know that I have family out there who are completely supportive.

Anyway, I'd probably better try to sleep. Ugh.

Calming Down at Four in the Morning

2009-04-30T04:02:00.003-06:00

I have to admit that I can be a real grumpy bitch sometimes if I get woken up. I fell asleep fairly early tonight (early for me being around 1:30. Haha), but about half an hour ago my boyfriend woke me up. He was being cute and cuddling with me, telling me he loved me, so I was glad to wake up to cuddle with him. Then he rolled over and started watching tv, and I couldn't fall back to sleep. I wasn't wide awake, but I wasn't sleepy at all. I feel bad because I got a little pissy about it. I'm not the most emotionally stable if I get woken up in the middle of the night. Then my bf fell asleep, and I couldn't, so I got on my computer to check my email.

I saw someone added me on myspace so I went to investigate, hoping it was a "real" person instead of just another desperate musician hoping I'd discover their music and love it so much that I tell all my friends. It turned out that it was a musician, and already being somewhat irritable I was kind of angry that it wasn't a real person. Then the music on his profile started to play, and it was exactly what I needed to calm down. I felt so stupid for getting all worked up about being woken up. It was so incredibly calming. I looked for the song on youtube so I could post it here, but I can't see it there. Go to Bruno Merz's Myspace and listen to "For You Now." If it worked to calm me down at four in the morning, who knows what wonders it will do for you.

I love songs that say "Everything will be all right" in them. It's amazing, but they generally always calm me down. It's crazy, but it works.

Plans

2009-04-22T23:13:00.002-06:00

I've been planning to come out to my siblings for a long time now, and I haven't gotten around to it. My main excuse has been that I haven't had time because of school. Now that school is ending though, I want to finally get around to it. I've already decided that I'm going to come out to them by email, so I don't really want to hear that I need to do it in person or over the phone. I've considered all the options extensively and I think email would work best in my situation. What I'm wondering is if anyone has any advice for what I should say to them. I know a lot of you have come out to family, so if you know certain things that would be helpful to say, I'd really appreciate any advice you have. Thanks!

Memoirs of a Gaysha

2009-04-20T22:53:00.003-06:00

In my last semester at BYU I wrote an essay for my memoir class about being gay and a missionary. My teacher was really cool, and I knew she could handle it, but I didn't let the whole class workshop my paper. Now that I'm at UVU, I've decided to revisit that paper in my creative nonfiction class. I let the entire class read it and give me comments. I don't know if I'll post it on this blog, since it's rather lengthy and I'd like to get it published in a literary journal first, but I might post excerpts after I'm done revising.

Anyway, all my work on the essay got me thinking about my life since coming out to myself. Since I was at BYU before, most of my writing was about mission stories or high school stories. I didn't feel like I could write about my recent history because it could get me in trouble. I don't have that obstacle anymore though, so I've decided to just start writing a memoir about my gay life. I've decided to write it in a series of free-writes because I'm not worried about making it good right now, I'm more concerned that I get it all written down. I think the gay mormon story is very important for people to hear if there is to be greater understanding worldwide, and I'm sure we could all write very poignant and very different stories.

I don't know what my point of this post is, but I think if I tell people that I'm working on writing about my gay life I'll be more motivated to actually write about it. On that note, here's "The Greatest" by Cat Power. My love of Cat Power has recently been revived, so I've been listening to her all day. Enjoy.

Lily Allen Concert

2009-04-08T23:28:00.002-06:00

I just got back from the Lily Allen concert in Salt Lake. I convinced my boyfriend to go with me, even though he'd never heard of Lily Allen before. I had a lot of fun and I loved it. He had fun too, for which I'm grateful. I took a few crappy photos with my cell phone, and some even crappier videos. My cell phone will only let me record like 16 or so seconds at a time, so the clips aren't long at all. It was a really good concert though, and I'm glad I went. I love Lily. She's so cute. Haha.

Message from President...

2009-04-06T23:08:00.002-06:00

I just got an email from my mission president asking how my search for "Mrs. [my last name]" was coming. He told me that finding her should be my top priority and that she's definitely out there. Haha. I'm kind of tempted to reply that I'm gay, but I don't know if I should. I love and respect my mission president a lot, and while I'm sure he's not the type that would distance himself from me because I'm gay, I think he might be the type to assure me that I can be straight with hard work. I know it might be difficult to answer this question without knowing my mission president and the type of relationship I have with him, but do you think I should tell him? Or should I give the same response I give my grandma and just say that I'm still looking? If anyone has any suggestions, that would be great.

Mom found my myspace. Oh dear...

2009-04-01T20:07:00.002-06:00

So I've been wanting to come out on facebook for a while, but I have too many family members as friends on there, so I came out on myspace a while back instead. My profile was set to private, so I thought all would be well.

Then today my mom asked me to dinner. I kind of suspected she wanted to talk to me about stuff, but I hoped it would just be dinner. We went to a restaurant and it was all good, then on the ride home she mentioned that she saw my myspace and saw that it said I'm in a relationship. Apparently when I upgraded my myspace profile to Profile 2.0, it reset my privacy settings so that the whole world could see my page. So far my mom has known that I'm gay but not that I'm in a relationship. She said that she has suspected for a while, and then asked if I was dating my boyfriend.

She was both sad and relieved. Sad that I'm not living celibate in the church, but relieved that I'm in a relationship with a good guy that she and my dad both like. She said that she really does want me to find someone to love, and she's happy that I'm dating who I am.

The one downside of the conversation was that she found my myspace page objectionable and gave me a big lecture about not posting stuff like that online. The whole time she was saying this, I couldn't think what on my myspace page would be considered objectionable. I really had no idea. After looking at my page again I'm pretty sure it was this cartoon that I posted. I don't find the cartoon that offensive, but I guess she does. Hmm.

Well, If mom has found me on my regular blog, on facebook, and now on myspace, it's probably only a matter of time until she finds me on this blog as well. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it though.

Game Night

2009-03-09T23:57:00.002-06:00

The last Wednesday of every month, my boyfriend and I like to have a game night for all the local gays in Provo. We just get together, play games, and mostly just sit around and talk. It's a lot of fun and it's a good excuse to get to know other "like-minded" guys in the lovely town of Provo. The reason I'm posting about it here is that if there are any readers out there who would like to come to our game night, I would be more than happy to have you attend. Just to clarify the type of crowd you can expect there: We don't drink at game night or do anything overtly "gay lifestyle-ish", but as a warning, there is usually abundant swearing and "vulgar" language. The next game night will be March 25th. If it sounds like something you might want to come to, send me an email or leave me a comment. You can find my email on my blogger profile.

Confession Time

2009-03-08T21:05:00.002-06:00

Time for a confession. I'd like to confess my celebrity crush that I'm most ashamed to admit: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. I find him incredibly attractive, even though I hate wrestling and I refuse to see most of his movies because they look stupid. Now, combine this crush with another crush of mine (sexiest President of the United States ever, Barack Obama) and it's like a sexy overload for me. Thanks SNL for doing just that.

Matis Fireside

2009-03-03T01:07:00.002-07:00

*DISCLAIMER*
* * * I always enjoy going to the Matis firesides. I will admit, that I go more for social reasons than religious ones, but I do enjoy going and I love Fred and Marilyn very much. I am also an acting homosexual (by that I mean that I'm not trying to be straight, I'm not planning on living a celibate life in the church, and I'm not planning on marrying a woman - I respect those of my readers who are following those paths, as I would hope they would respect me for not following those paths). I have a boyfriend I plan to someday legally marry and spend the rest of my life with. I don't intend to write this post to make fun of anyone's religious views, I am mostly just venting. That being said... * * *

I went to the Matis fireside tonight, and to be honest, I didn't enjoy it. They had a singing group comprised of four women. I got there late, so I didn't hear what their group name was, and I don't really care to find out because I really can't bear to listen to the kind of music they sing (sorry to those who like them, I've just never really liked that type of music). In between their songs, they would take turns talking about various life experiences and gospel topics. It was all fine and good until one of them (I think it was Fred and Marilyn's daughter?) stood up and started talking about (and PLEASE correct me if I get the story wrong, she didn't really go into details about family relationships, so I had to kind of piece it together from the whisperings of people sitting around me) her husband and how he decided at a young age to "come out" (as she put it. She said, "for lack of a better term," which implied to me that coming out is somehow a negative term to her) and how he lived the "gay lifestyle," which she defined as clubbing, drugs, and sex. She went on to say that there is no happiness in the "gay lifestyle" and if any of us were considering leaving the church for the "gay lifestyle" we would not find what we were looking for. She then went on to say that it is impossible to have a gay monogamous relationship (to which I took personal offense).

I am living what I would call a gay lifestyle. I am gay, I have a boyfriend, I have gay friends, etc. However, I would NEVER consider doing drugs, drinking, smoking, or anything like that. I don't even drink coffee. It makes me wonder how the whole drinking, partying, and doing drugs thing became known as "the gay lifestyle." Heterosexuals drink, party, and do drugs too, but we don't call that the "heterosexual lifestyle." Why do the gays have to be synonymous with that lifestyle when just as many heteros do that too?

Also, I know I've only been with my boyfriend for a year and two months, but I expect our relationship to last. I see no difference in how I am with my boyfriend than how my sister is with her husband, or my brother is with his wife. The only difference is gender, the rest of the relationship dynamic is the same. I love my boyfriend just as much as my sister does her husband, or my brother does his wife. I don't like having someone say that just because I'm gay I'm more likely to cheat on my committed partner than a straight person would. I can handle hearing that kind of stuff from Chris Buttars, but I didn't expect to hear it at the fireside.

I've tried to represent her words as accurately as possible. That is what I heard her say, but others may have different accounts, which I welcome to be posted as comments here. I texted a friend of mine who lives back east but is extremely close friends with Fred and Marilyn and told him what she said and told him that I was offended. He replied that she probably didn't mean to make it sound as harsh as it came out and that she is really an amazing person. I will give her the benefit of the doubt. I know she meant well, and that is what she firmly believes. However, I go to the Matis firesides because I expect it to be a safe place where I can feel love and acceptance in a Mormon type setting without being judged or told I'm evil. Tonight's fireside did not feel like a safe and accepting place to me. I still plan on going every month, and I'm not offended anymore (I got over it pretty fast), but I hope that the firesides in the future will be more accepting of the diverse crowd that attends.

C.R.A.Z.Y.

2009-02-16T22:16:00.002-07:00

I really should be preparing for a class presentation tomorrow, but I also really felt like posting about a movie I watched earlier today. It was a French-Canadian movie called C.R.A.Z.Y. and I absolutely loved it. For anyone familiar with gay cinema, you will also be familiar with cheesy plotlines and melodramatic acting. C.R.A.Z.Y. has none of that. C.R.A.Z.Y. didn't feel like a gay movie despite having a clearly homosexual story about a gay son trying to remain close to his not very accepting father. This is one of my favorite movies now. If you have netflix, you can watch it online. If you don't have netflix, you really should try to find the movie and watch it.

(Sorry the trailer is in French with no subtitles, I couldn't find a subtitled version)

Getting to Know You

2009-02-11T23:08:00.003-07:00

I'm not the best at updating this blog on a regular basis, but I do read blogs of other people nearly every day. SO... I was thinking it might be nice to know who (if anyone) reads my blog. Instead of just posting to ask that people leave comments saying they read my blog, I thought I'd introduce myself to any new readers and THEN ask that you leave just a simple little comment on this post saying that you read my blog.

So here goes:

I go by the pseudonym "Captain Midnight." I am a 24 year old gay Mormon living in Provo and currently attending my first semester at Utah Valley University. I recently left BYU because I couldn't stand it there any more. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and I love him so incredibly much. My parents know I'm gay but they don't know I have a boyfriend. My siblings have not yet been told anything about my sexuality. I have a fairly large network of gay friends in Provo (if you're in the area and want to meet new people, let me know). Even though I'm not really attending church anymore, I don't have any bitter feelings toward the church (though I occasionally get frustrated with its members). I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I don't even drink coffee. I like iced tea and herbal tea, but are those even really against the word of wisdom anyway? Also, I tend to swear like a gay sailor, but not the F-word.

I'll post more things about me later, I'm sure. So now, if you don't mind, I would love it if you would just leave me a quick comment so that I can know if people actually read my blog :)

Ugh

2009-01-31T03:07:00.003-07:00

So I just added this guy on facebook that went to my high school. I was older than him, so I didn't really know him, but I looked at his photos and I could tell he's gay, so I added him. I don't know if he knows he's gay yet, but I can tell from his photos that he is. My gaydar is that good. Anyway, as I was facebook stalking his photos, I noticed that he was in ballroom dance, and that he appeared to have many ballroom friends who I could tell were Mormon. I started to think about how Mormons can love an extremely flamboyant gay as long as they think they're trying not to be gay. Or in many cases, Utah Mormons will give even the gayest of gays the "benefit of the doubt" and just say, he's probably just a little artsy (or something like that). But the moment that person says he is gay, so many of those who were fine with the person before will condemn the person and want nothing to do with him. I just hate that about Mormons. I don't mean to over-generalize and condemn the whole religion (which I'm still quite fond of even though I don't really believe in it), I'm just saying that I've seen this happen a lot. During the whole Prop 8 crap, I noticed that most of the friends I had on facebook that were joining Prop 8 groups and donating their statuses to Prop 8 had lots of gay friends on facebook as well. They must not have known that their friends were gay though, even though many of them are pretty obviously gay, because they just assumed that they were just friends from choir or dance or whatever. Anyway, it's very late and I don't think I'm making any sense, so I'm going to end this here. If you understood the gist of what I was trying to say, kudos to you.

What To Do?

2009-01-20T01:21:00.002-07:00

I'm not ashamed of being gay, or of letting people know that I'm gay. Until now, the only reason I didn't tell more people about my sexuality was that I didn't want to tell the wrong type of person and have them go running to the Honor Code Office at BYU. Now that I have transferred to UVU and all my BYU worries are behind me, I'm wondering what is stopping me from telling people now. I thought I'd ask for some advice from the gay mormon blogosphere. What do I do now? Do I just tell friend after friend until I feel sufficiently publicized? Or do I make some blanket statement via blog post or facebook status update? Or do I just wait for people to ask me? Hmm...

Queen Size! Finally!

2009-01-14T01:53:00.002-07:00

After over a year of sleeping on a twin sized bed together, my boyfriend and I finally have a queen sized bed! Haha. I'm going to miss seeing peoples shocked looks from when they found out that we squished together in a twin bed every night, but the queen bed is going to be soooooooooooooooooooooo nice. Yay!

Man Period

2009-01-07T23:00:00.003-07:00

I'm on my man-period right now so I'm pissy as hell. I keep having rapid mood swings. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I feel like crying, but I don't know why. It's a pretty shitty way to feel, if I must say so.

2008-12-29T04:00:00.000-07:00

Tempted

2008-12-02T02:33:00.003-07:00

I'm so tempted to just come out in a facebook status message and watch the aftermath. I'm so sick of my current situation. I'm sick of the double life. I kind of want to get it all over and done with. I kind of just want to come out, huddle in my room in the fetal position for a month, and then go back to my daily life. If only I could do that. Ugh. Instead I'm going to wait until I transfer out of BYU then come out slowly to more and more people and deal with each and every reaction. Good times.

People You May Know

2008-11-17T12:19:00.001-07:00

So this amazingly hot guy popped up on my "People You May Know" thing on facebook today. We have two mutual friends, and I know I don't know the guy, but I really want to add him so I can stalk his photos. Haha. I think I qualify as a professional facebook stalker (but not in a creepy way, I hope). Once for one of my classes we had to write a short biography of someone else in the class. The professor expected us to do an in-depth interview with the person and write a revealing bio. Well, instead of interviewing, I just added the girl on facebook and put my skills to use. I ended up writing a stunning bio that won the "Most Funny" award. Good times.

Acceptance

2008-11-17T05:19:00.002-07:00

Right now, the thing I want more than anything in the world is for my family to accept that I have a boyfriend, and to treat us like a couple. My family doesn't know that I'm even dating someone. My parents think that I'm trying to "be good" and not act on my homosexuality, and since this creates less waves, I haven't told them otherwise. Yet I want so much for everyone to know about it so that I'm not viewed as the "single one" anymore. Every family gathering I'm surrounded by married couples with children, and I'm automatically put in a different category because I don't have a "spouse."

If I were straight and my boyfriend were a girl (that's a lot of "ifs" but play along) we would definitely be married by now, and probably pregnant (by Mormon standards). There have been so many occasions where I've wanted to just say that I'm not single to everyone. It's really not that bad to pretend you're not dating someone, but at the same time, the single lifestyle is different from the "attached" lifestyle. For example, my mom was talking about how maybe I'd have to go move in with my grandparents because they're not doing so well these days. And while I'd be very eager to help them out, and I'd be willing to move in with them if necessary, that's something that only a single person could be expected to do, really. My mom wouldn't think of asking my sister to go live with my grandparents. My sister has a husband and kids. She can't be expected to go take care of grandma. In my mom's mind, I'm unattached, so it would be no problem for me to move in with them. In reality though, I live with my boyfriend, and I depend on him. I have a really hard time sleeping when he's not next to me. I get sad if we're apart for even one day. We're basically married, just without the official certificate.

Anyway, I think I'm rambling right now, but that's what's on my mind. I wish it weren't so difficult to have a gay relationship in Mormon culture. I just want to bring my "spouse" home for Thanksgiving and have everyone be alright with it. Is that too much to ask?

Admitting to myself that I'm gay

2008-11-17T02:37:00.000-07:00

I've never really told anyone the detailed story of how I admitted to myself that I'm gay, but I'm bored so I might as well do it now. Just a warning, this is going to be a really long post.

The first time I remember having a crush on a guy was when I was a freshman in high school. He was a junior and we had the same math class. He had dark hair, dark brown eyes, and a really nice body. He was on the soccer team (which was the only reason I attended soccer games). I thought he was so incredibly hot, but I refused to say I had a crush on him because I hated the feelings I had. I hated that I was different. I thought that I could suppress the feelings, and continued to think so until December of 2007.

I served a mission from 2004 to 2006, and thought when I came home that I would get married. I had written a girl from my highschool throughout my mission, and thought that I might be able to bear being married to her. I always wanted to be more of a "best friend" but she wanted us to be more than that. I figured that she was my only chance at getting married, so when I returned, we started dating, but I was always extremely reluctant to do anything with her (and I mean ANYTHING). Not only could I not bring myself to kiss her, I couldn't bring myself to date her more than once a week. I felt so horrible because I felt no physical attraction to her. We broke it off after a month. I never kissed her.

After that, I realized that I was gay. I'd always known that I was, but I finally admitted it to myself, and I admitted that it was never going to change or even be subverted. I was terrified of what would happen if I decided to live the gay lifestyle, so I told myself that I was going to be celibate for the rest of my life and I would carry my gay secret to my grave. I would not tell a soul about what I was going through. My mom told me about her uncle who didn't marry until he was in his late 40's. Maybe I would be like that. Maybe I would finally meet someone at age 40 and get married, not to have kids, but just for companionship. My life continued like this for several months. I noticed hot guys on campus all the time, but I told myself I could never be with a man or a woman.

I struggled with depression for most of my life, but for the first time I began seriously considering suicide. I thought about it every day. Since I was so experienced in hiding my feelings from everyone, I also thought I had to hide my depression from everyone. I wanted so desperately to find help. Then one night my mom found me crying in my room, and I told her I was depressed. We agreed that I would go see a therapist.

I was so intent on dying without telling anyone that I was gay that I didn't tell my therapist about it. Instead, we focused on trying to get me out of my shell so I could make friends. He worked wonders with my confidence. I became comfortable with who I was.

Then (and I've never really told anyone this part because it's corny and I don't want anyone to think that I came out only because of this) I watched a movie online called "Rock Haven." Before that point, I'd thought that all gay people were whores and that only the ugly ones wanted relationships. Even though I knew it was a movie and that the characters in it were not real, it showed me that loving gay relationships were possible. It filled me with such a desire to find a relationship like that. I'm not saying that this movie convinced me to "go gay" but I would be lying if I didn't say it was a small influencing factor.

I remember going to work the day after watching the movie and feeling so good inside. I fantasized all day about finding a boyfriend and falling in love. About a week later, I met my boyfriend. He had been through a lot of bad experiences with guys, so he had a lot of barriers up that kept him from opening up. Eventually we broke through all those barriers, and our relationship has been amazing. I'm so glad that I have him. We are so incredibly perfect for each other. I don't see how it could be coincidence that I found him.

Anyway, this post has been very long and I've only touched on certain parts of my life that I'll probably talk about in more depth later. Congratulations if you actually read any of this. Haha.

This one goes out to...

2008-11-15T01:42:00.007-07:00

Yesterday my boyfriend and I were talking about songs we would dedicate to each other, songs that we could consider "our song," and songs that just make us think of each other. We have somewhat different taste in music. Lucky for me we both hate country, so that's good, but he considers my music weird and boring most of the time. I dedicated "First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes to him.

And he dedicated "A Sorta Fairytale" by Tori Amos to me.

I like "First Day of My Life" because I met my boyfriend at about the same time I admitted to myself that I was gay and didn't want to fight it anymore (I'll have to tell the detailed story about that later), so I kind of view that as the "First Day of My [New] Life," and that's why the song means so much to me. I like how the song says, "I swear I was blind before I met you" and other cute stuff about meeting the person you fall in love with. One line that is somewhat poignant to me is "I'm glad I didn't die before I met you." This line sticks out to me because before I met my boyfriend and came to terms with who I am, I thought about death every day. I carried around pills with me in case I suddenly got the courage to end my life. Whenever I stood at a crosswalk and saw a bus coming, I'd think about stepping in front of it. Whenever I'd be in the upper level of a building, I'd think about jumping. Now that I've met my boyfriend, I'm so incredibly grateful that I didn't end my life. I'm so glad I didn't die before I met him. Oh crap, I'm getting sappy now. That's how I really feel though, and it means a lot to me.

Another song that makes me think of my boyfriend is "Die Alone" by Ingrid Michaelson.
Die Alone - Ingrid Michaelson
I used to listen to the song before I met him and think about how I was going to be celibate for the rest of my life and would be lonely until the end. The song isn't really about that though. The song is about how she never thought she could fall in love with anyone, then she met the perfect person for her and suddenly she realized that maybe she won't have to die alone after all. It's kind of obvious why I relate to this song now, but I'll still lay it out. I used to think that I would never be allowed to love. I thought that I would have to live a life by myself and would become a shriveled old lonely gay man with an apartment full of cats. Then I met my boyfriend, and suddenly I realized that maybe I won't have to die alone after all. Maybe I'll have someone to care for me in my old age, and I can care for him too. It's kind of stupid for me to think so much about that, but I was always afraid of being lonely until the end then dying alone. It means a lot to me that I have someone now that I really want to spend the rest of my life with.

Anyway, I think I've been sufficiently sappy in this post for one night. Oh well.

This is just to say...

2008-11-13T16:08:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend is so amazingly cute. I don't know how I got by without him.

Sister drama again

2008-11-12T22:53:00.004-07:00

So I posted that Keith Olbermann clip (about Prop 8) on my regular blog - yes, this isn't my main blog. I have a blog I use more often where I'm not anonymous... and not gay. Well... not AS gay - and my sister has obviously been upset by it. She made a post on her blog about all the things frustrating her right now, and included in the list was Prop 8. She talked about how it made her sad, but she knew it was wrong because God said so. I'm not sure when God descended from the heavens to preach intolerance against the gays, maybe when Pres. Monson encouraged members to support Prop 8, but that's not what really troubles me. It troubles me that I can sense that my sister is FINALLY starting to comprehend that I'm gay, and the route she is taking is the "Homosexuality Is Wrong And Can Be Overcome" route. I've already been through this with my parents. It took me months to get my mom to understand that homosexuality is not a phase or a state of mind that can be changed with hard work and gumption. I'm not looking forward to going through that with my sister at the moment. She might be ready to talk about it, but I'm not. I'm very happy with who I am, and though I am experiencing some pretty severe anxiety about school, I am happier than I've ever been in my life. I don't want to suddenly have my sister "all up in my bidness" telling me that I'm not really happy because I'm not doing what she believes God wants me to do. I know I'll eventually have to go through this with her, and with my brother and other sister as well, but I kind of want to wait until the anxiety of school is over. We'll see what happens.

JDMA

2008-11-03T12:47:00.004-07:00

I had a dream last night that I was a temp in the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. I was running around doing errands to get ready for some party they were having. The majority of the dream I was trying to show J.P. Calderon that I wasn't a loser. Haha. It was a pretty stupid dream, but it felt very real. I was disappointed when I woke up and found out that me impressing J.P. with my knowledge of Diana Ross lyrics was not a reality. The stupid thing about the dream is that once I realized it wasn't real I was overcome by the intense urge to start going to the gym again - in the off chance that I ever run into J.P. again. So stupid.

A Bad Lunch...

2008-10-30T02:40:00.003-06:00

The hardest thing about being gay is dealing with my family. I just had an awkward lunch with my sister today. She doesn't know I'm gay yet (unless she has guessed it already) but she can tell I'm getting farther from the church. I love my family so much, but I can't live a life in the church just because they want me to. I have to do what I feel is right, even if others strongly believe I will be damned for it. I'm doing what is right for me, what I sense I need to do. At the end of lunch, my sister said that she only wanted me to be happy. I wanted to tell her that the church doesn't make me happy. The church makes me feel inadequate. The church made me want to kill myself. When I was trying to be active in the church I was depressed nearly every day. I carried pills around with me in my backpack in case I would finally get the courage to end my life. I was not happy then, and I've never been happier than I am right now. I didn't go into that much detail with her. Instead I just told her that I'm happy and that she shouldn't worry about me. I love my family, but if they could be more supportive of me, I would be as happy as I could possibly be. For now, I'm happy with who I am. I only hope that they will be too someday.

An Open Letter To A Certain Someone

2008-10-22T15:44:00.002-06:00

You outed me to my parents, and I hate that you did, but when you are ready to come out yourself, I will be here to support you.

Gay By Association

2008-10-22T15:31:00.002-06:00

I know I shouldn't be so quick to point a finger at people and call them gay (I got really mad at accusations like these back when I was still in denial), but on of the things I like to do when I have nothing else to do is go on facebook and try to find people I don't know and judge whether or not they are gay. One way I do this is by searching for people with common interests. A search for "Ugly Betty" or "America's Next Top Model" is sure to bring up a whole list of homos. I then go through the list and look at mutual friends. If we have two gay friends in common, they are gay. This test is true in most cases. If we have no mutual friends, I first look at their profile picture and make a snap judgment: possibly gay, or probably straight. If the answer is possibly gay, I go to their profile and look at what other TV shows they have listed (as well as music and movies).

I don't know why exactly I do this gay facebook hunt. I never contact any of them (unless I know them and haven't added them), so it's not like I'm trying to expand my gay social circle. I think I mostly do it because it gives me a sense of power to know that my gaydar is getting stronger and stronger. It's the same reason my boyfriend and I point out which guys at Wal-mart we think are gay. It feels good to know that your intuition can get you in on a stranger's secret I guess.

Dream

2008-08-15T23:49:00.004-06:00

I had a dream last night that I told a group of co-workers that I was gay. They listened intently, asked questions, and showed genuine interest in my feelings. They tried to understand and they didn't judge. For the rest of the dream I was walking around work feeling accepted and understood for who I was. I had no secret identity underneath a straight exterior. I woke up feeling incredibly at peace. It was seriously so comforting to me, since the day before a friend's mother felt the need to out me to my school officials, thus prompting an investigation. I'm still in the process of deciding whether or not there is a god, but this dream kind of makes me feel like there's at least some sort of higher power looking out for me. I spent most of the day yesterday feeling like everyone was out to get me in a modern day homosexual witch-hunt. After the dream last night though, I feel like there really is acceptance out there, despite all the homophobia. I can't wait until the day where I can just be who I am without fear of persecution. Maybe that day will never come, but I hope it will.

It Begins...

2008-08-15T13:31:00.000-06:00

Long have I considered writing an anonymous blog, free from the judgment of family members or co-workers, and today a close friend of mine convinced me that such a thing must be done. So here we are. Enjoy.