Thursday, August 6, 2009

Testimony

Is it bad that I'm grateful I never had a real testimony of the church? When I was an active member, I wanted more than anything to believe. I prayed endlessly to know if the church was true. Yet I never got an answer. On my mission I identified the two major lapses in my belief of the church. I had never felt that Jesus was the son of God, and I never felt that Joseph Smith was a prophet. No matter how hard I tried, I could not feel any closer to Jesus and I couldn't feel that Joseph Smith had really been called of God. I read the New Testament so I could know of Jesus' mortal ministry. I prayed again and again to have a testimony, but still I just didn't believe in him. When I finally decided to come out, it was partially because I'd never had a testimony of the church and I didn't see a point in hiding who I really was because of a church I didn't believe in.

Now, as I read other blogs of gay mormons, I see that a lot of them are torn between their firm testimonies of the church and their homosexuality. Reading these blogs makes me grateful that I never had a testimony to tear me apart like that. So that's why I'm asking: Is it bad that I'm grateful I never believed?

5 comments:

D-Train said...

Absolutely not. I honestly did believe very strongly in LDS theology, which made the decision somewhat difficult for me to leave it all. I do feel very lucky though that once I experienced the joys of a relationship, that I almost overnight realized that what I had believed all my life was not true.

I know it can still bring fulfillment to some peoples' lives, but for me it just robbed me of the most important aspect of my life, and that is relationships. And by that, I don't just mean with my partner, but with my friends and family. All of my relationships have improved greatly since I left the religion behind.

I don't really regret being part of the LDS tradition, because it has helped me become the person I am today, but I think the fact that you never really believed it can be a huge blessing in your life.

Ezra said...

You know, I don't think I really believed either--I think I wanted to believe, because in a lot of ways it all "made sense" to me. But I don't know...

It was surprisingly easy to walk away.

The Reverend Dennis Busch said...

It's really the beauty of my ministry. You literally have to believe in nothing.

Visit us online at http://eGRACE.weebly.com

Captain Midnight said...

I am in a constant state of eGRACE. Bless you, Reverend Dennis.

Trevor said...

I've been reading your blog for a little while now. I really enjoy it. I thought I'd comment on this one. I don't think that its bad that you're grateful that you've never had a real testimony. I've never had a real testimony of the church, either. To be honest, I never really cared enough to even try. I don't know why, but I have never really liked going to church. Looking back, I'm glad that I don't have a testimony because I think it's saved me from a lot of heartache and grief that, as you point out, many other gay mormons have had to go through. Its almost kind of a blessing, really.