Monday, July 27, 2009

Guess I'm More Obvious Than I Thought

Today I was chatting online with a girl I worked with at my old job. She always used to ask me if I'd been out with any girls, and I'd always say no. Since it was a BYU job, I didn't want to get in trouble, so I just pretended like I was a lonely bachelor. Here's how a bit of our conversation went.

HER: dating anyone lately?
ME: haha. what do you think?
HER: nope. why so anti-dating?
ME: haha. you don't want to know
HER: uh maybe i do. or maybe i hve an assumption.... that could turn into a correction if someone wanted it to be...
ME: oh? i'm curious
HER: eh. if it's wrong it might hurt your feelings. if i'm right, then i'm right.
ME: haha. i'm pretty sure it's not wrong
HER: are you gay.....
ME: yep
HER: oh. i kind of figured that

I've been wanting to tell her for a long time, but I've just been too lazy/scared to do so. I'm glad she figured it out on her own, and I'm not embarrassed or anything that she was able to tell. I've never been one to think it's shameful to seem gay. I'm positive most of us can agree that there is nothing wrong with being gay, but some of us probably have a problem with people who seem gay (as in, you can tell by looking at or listening to them). I don't mind people like that, and I don't mind if people can tell that about me. I was however shocked by what she said after that.

She said the other girl I worked with had suspected and my BOSS had suspected as well. Haha. I was so shocked that my boss would figure it out. I guess I didn't give her enough credit. Since my job was at BYU I assumed that my coworkers would be more naive and more willing to give the benefit of the doubt like most Mormons do, eg: "He's not gay, he's just more in touch with his emotions" or "He's not gay, he's just artisic" etc. But no, they saw right through me. Haha. I hope now they will understand why I had to leave that job. It was the most perfect job I'll probably have for a long time, but I couldn't stay because I had to get out of BYU.

In the rest of our conversation she assured me that she's a free-thinker because she was "raised on the east coast" and that it's no big deal. I know that she's pretty religious though (she's a semi-recent convert, and she frequently bears her testimony on her blog), so I'm not sure how she really feels about me having a boyfriend, but she did seem pretty supportive. I'm planning on going back to my old work to visit this week, and if anything else interesting happens now that I'm "out" there, I'll let you know. It mostly just feels good to being one step closer to being completely out. Someone just needs to kick me and force me to come out to my two remaining siblings who don't know. Haha.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Memoirs of a Geisha

Sometimes I just get in moods where I remember how much I love Memoirs of a Geisha. I love the music in the movie more than anything else. My favorite song is The Chairman's Waltz. I'll post first the part where the song plays in the movie, then I'll post the song just by itself. I also have the song in both my playlists to the right. Haha.


Thursday, July 16, 2009

Playlist

I posted another playlist on the side of my blog. The playlist I already have here is nice (I can sure use mellow instrumental music every once in a while) but the new playlist is the kind of music I listen to every day. It will give you a better idea of who I really am. Let me know if you like it. I put way too much thought into which songs to include on this playlist. Haha. The only reason I haven't posted it before is that it's posted on my other blog, and I'm still terrified that one day my mom will somehow stumble across this blog and reprimand me for putting such personal information on the internet. A matching playlist with my other blog would be a concrete clue as to my real identity. However, I don't care anymore. I want to share the music I love with the rest of the blogging community. Let me know what you think.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Belated Good News

I've been meaning to post about something for a while. It's been almost a week since it happened and I'm just too lazy to share it. So finally here it is.

I got a call from my oldest sister last Sunday. She lives out of state with her husband and kids, so I don't get to see her too often. The conversation started out basic enough, "How are you?", "What have you been up to?" etc. Then she said, "So I'm mainly calling to see if what mom said about you having problems with your testimony is still true." (My mom issued a press release of sorts to my siblings to let them know that they should pray for me because I'm struggling with the church. Haha).

I thought she was going to encourage me back to church and stuff, so I tried to be a little vague about it and mainly said, "Yeah, I haven't been going to church much lately," etc.

She could sense my guardedness and said, "I'm not trying to lecture you or anything, the reason I'm asking is because I'm having struggles with my testimony as well." She told me about her problems with the church, including polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, and prop 8, and then asked me about my conflicts with the church. I figured, no reason to beat around the bush, so I told her I'm gay. She assured me that she completely understands and is totally supportive. The rest of our conversation we talked about how it's going to be hard fitting in with the rest of the family when we're not active in the church. She is worried that my mom is going to keep trying to get her to come back to church and that it will complicate her relationship with the rest of the family. I told her that I was mainly worried that whenever the family talked about me, they would always have to add extra things like, "...but he's such a great person" at the end. Like there will always have to be an asterisk at the end of my name leading to a footnote that says, "he's gay, and not an active member of the church, but we still love him and hope with all our hearts he will come back to us some day."

It was good to talk to my sister and be able to be open and honest with her. It was especially good to have her be so supportive of me. I always thought that if someone in my immediate family would be supportive of me leading an active gay life, it would be her, and I was right. It's funny because just the night before I was texting a friend saying that if everyone in my extended family knew about me, I would become the "evil one" to the rest of the family. I would be the one who messed up. I would be the one who they wouldn't be seeing in heaven. My friend assured me that someone else in my family would end up doing something too, like go to jail, or become an unwed mother. I know nobody on that side of my family is going to do something like that, but it is comforting to see that I'm not the only one in my generation who can leave the church. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my feelings. It makes me a little sad to see another of my mom's children "go astray" because she's already suffered enough from me, but it's still good to have the full support of my sister.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

My Lover's Gone

So my boyfriend was planning on leaving tomorrow to go home for the 4th of July. His aunt told him she'd pick him up at 1. Well, it turns out that she meant 1 am, and she just barely came to pick him up. He hurried to pack, kissed me, and left. I miss him already, but I think I'm getting better at not being depressed when he leaves. The first time we were ever apart I cried for the first few days. Haha. I'm not in tears now, but I still really miss him. It makes me think of one of my favorite Dido songs. It's not entirely applicable, but I'll still post it here anyway.