Thursday, April 30, 2009

Calming Down at Four in the Morning

I have to admit that I can be a real grumpy bitch sometimes if I get woken up. I fell asleep fairly early tonight (early for me being around 1:30. Haha), but about half an hour ago my boyfriend woke me up. He was being cute and cuddling with me, telling me he loved me, so I was glad to wake up to cuddle with him. Then he rolled over and started watching tv, and I couldn't fall back to sleep. I wasn't wide awake, but I wasn't sleepy at all. I feel bad because I got a little pissy about it. I'm not the most emotionally stable if I get woken up in the middle of the night. Then my bf fell asleep, and I couldn't, so I got on my computer to check my email.

I saw someone added me on myspace so I went to investigate, hoping it was a "real" person instead of just another desperate musician hoping I'd discover their music and love it so much that I tell all my friends. It turned out that it was a musician, and already being somewhat irritable I was kind of angry that it wasn't a real person. Then the music on his profile started to play, and it was exactly what I needed to calm down. I felt so stupid for getting all worked up about being woken up. It was so incredibly calming. I looked for the song on youtube so I could post it here, but I can't see it there. Go to Bruno Merz's Myspace and listen to "For You Now." If it worked to calm me down at four in the morning, who knows what wonders it will do for you.

I love songs that say "Everything will be all right" in them. It's amazing, but they generally always calm me down. It's crazy, but it works.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


I've been planning to come out to my siblings for a long time now, and I haven't gotten around to it. My main excuse has been that I haven't had time because of school. Now that school is ending though, I want to finally get around to it. I've already decided that I'm going to come out to them by email, so I don't really want to hear that I need to do it in person or over the phone. I've considered all the options extensively and I think email would work best in my situation. What I'm wondering is if anyone has any advice for what I should say to them. I know a lot of you have come out to family, so if you know certain things that would be helpful to say, I'd really appreciate any advice you have. Thanks!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Memoirs of a Gaysha

In my last semester at BYU I wrote an essay for my memoir class about being gay and a missionary. My teacher was really cool, and I knew she could handle it, but I didn't let the whole class workshop my paper. Now that I'm at UVU, I've decided to revisit that paper in my creative nonfiction class. I let the entire class read it and give me comments. I don't know if I'll post it on this blog, since it's rather lengthy and I'd like to get it published in a literary journal first, but I might post excerpts after I'm done revising.

Anyway, all my work on the essay got me thinking about my life since coming out to myself. Since I was at BYU before, most of my writing was about mission stories or high school stories. I didn't feel like I could write about my recent history because it could get me in trouble. I don't have that obstacle anymore though, so I've decided to just start writing a memoir about my gay life. I've decided to write it in a series of free-writes because I'm not worried about making it good right now, I'm more concerned that I get it all written down. I think the gay mormon story is very important for people to hear if there is to be greater understanding worldwide, and I'm sure we could all write very poignant and very different stories.

I don't know what my point of this post is, but I think if I tell people that I'm working on writing about my gay life I'll be more motivated to actually write about it. On that note, here's "The Greatest" by Cat Power. My love of Cat Power has recently been revived, so I've been listening to her all day. Enjoy.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Lily Allen Concert

I just got back from the Lily Allen concert in Salt Lake. I convinced my boyfriend to go with me, even though he'd never heard of Lily Allen before. I had a lot of fun and I loved it. He had fun too, for which I'm grateful. I took a few crappy photos with my cell phone, and some even crappier videos. My cell phone will only let me record like 16 or so seconds at a time, so the clips aren't long at all. It was a really good concert though, and I'm glad I went. I love Lily. She's so cute. Haha.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Message from President...

I just got an email from my mission president asking how my search for "Mrs. [my last name]" was coming. He told me that finding her should be my top priority and that she's definitely out there. Haha. I'm kind of tempted to reply that I'm gay, but I don't know if I should. I love and respect my mission president a lot, and while I'm sure he's not the type that would distance himself from me because I'm gay, I think he might be the type to assure me that I can be straight with hard work. I know it might be difficult to answer this question without knowing my mission president and the type of relationship I have with him, but do you think I should tell him? Or should I give the same response I give my grandma and just say that I'm still looking? If anyone has any suggestions, that would be great.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Mom found my myspace. Oh dear...

So I've been wanting to come out on facebook for a while, but I have too many family members as friends on there, so I came out on myspace a while back instead. My profile was set to private, so I thought all would be well.

Then today my mom asked me to dinner. I kind of suspected she wanted to talk to me about stuff, but I hoped it would just be dinner. We went to a restaurant and it was all good, then on the ride home she mentioned that she saw my myspace and saw that it said I'm in a relationship. Apparently when I upgraded my myspace profile to Profile 2.0, it reset my privacy settings so that the whole world could see my page. So far my mom has known that I'm gay but not that I'm in a relationship. She said that she has suspected for a while, and then asked if I was dating my boyfriend.

She was both sad and relieved. Sad that I'm not living celibate in the church, but relieved that I'm in a relationship with a good guy that she and my dad both like. She said that she really does want me to find someone to love, and she's happy that I'm dating who I am.

The one downside of the conversation was that she found my myspace page objectionable and gave me a big lecture about not posting stuff like that online. The whole time she was saying this, I couldn't think what on my myspace page would be considered objectionable. I really had no idea. After looking at my page again I'm pretty sure it was this cartoon that I posted. I don't find the cartoon that offensive, but I guess she does. Hmm.

Married To The Sea

Well, If mom has found me on my regular blog, on facebook, and now on myspace, it's probably only a matter of time until she finds me on this blog as well. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it though.