Saturday, November 15, 2008

This one goes out to...

Yesterday my boyfriend and I were talking about songs we would dedicate to each other, songs that we could consider "our song," and songs that just make us think of each other. We have somewhat different taste in music. Lucky for me we both hate country, so that's good, but he considers my music weird and boring most of the time. I dedicated "First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes to him.

And he dedicated "A Sorta Fairytale" by Tori Amos to me.

I like "First Day of My Life" because I met my boyfriend at about the same time I admitted to myself that I was gay and didn't want to fight it anymore (I'll have to tell the detailed story about that later), so I kind of view that as the "First Day of My [New] Life," and that's why the song means so much to me. I like how the song says, "I swear I was blind before I met you" and other cute stuff about meeting the person you fall in love with. One line that is somewhat poignant to me is "I'm glad I didn't die before I met you." This line sticks out to me because before I met my boyfriend and came to terms with who I am, I thought about death every day. I carried around pills with me in case I suddenly got the courage to end my life. Whenever I stood at a crosswalk and saw a bus coming, I'd think about stepping in front of it. Whenever I'd be in the upper level of a building, I'd think about jumping. Now that I've met my boyfriend, I'm so incredibly grateful that I didn't end my life. I'm so glad I didn't die before I met him. Oh crap, I'm getting sappy now. That's how I really feel though, and it means a lot to me.

Another song that makes me think of my boyfriend is "Die Alone" by Ingrid Michaelson.
Die Alone - Ingrid Michaelson
I used to listen to the song before I met him and think about how I was going to be celibate for the rest of my life and would be lonely until the end. The song isn't really about that though. The song is about how she never thought she could fall in love with anyone, then she met the perfect person for her and suddenly she realized that maybe she won't have to die alone after all. It's kind of obvious why I relate to this song now, but I'll still lay it out. I used to think that I would never be allowed to love. I thought that I would have to live a life by myself and would become a shriveled old lonely gay man with an apartment full of cats. Then I met my boyfriend, and suddenly I realized that maybe I won't have to die alone after all. Maybe I'll have someone to care for me in my old age, and I can care for him too. It's kind of stupid for me to think so much about that, but I was always afraid of being lonely until the end then dying alone. It means a lot to me that I have someone now that I really want to spend the rest of my life with.

Anyway, I think I've been sufficiently sappy in this post for one night. Oh well.

1 comment:

Ezra said...

I hope with all my heart I'll be able to be as lucky as you.