Monday, November 17, 2008

Admitting to myself that I'm gay

I've never really told anyone the detailed story of how I admitted to myself that I'm gay, but I'm bored so I might as well do it now. Just a warning, this is going to be a really long post.

The first time I remember having a crush on a guy was when I was a freshman in high school. He was a junior and we had the same math class. He had dark hair, dark brown eyes, and a really nice body. He was on the soccer team (which was the only reason I attended soccer games). I thought he was so incredibly hot, but I refused to say I had a crush on him because I hated the feelings I had. I hated that I was different. I thought that I could suppress the feelings, and continued to think so until December of 2007.

I served a mission from 2004 to 2006, and thought when I came home that I would get married. I had written a girl from my highschool throughout my mission, and thought that I might be able to bear being married to her. I always wanted to be more of a "best friend" but she wanted us to be more than that. I figured that she was my only chance at getting married, so when I returned, we started dating, but I was always extremely reluctant to do anything with her (and I mean ANYTHING). Not only could I not bring myself to kiss her, I couldn't bring myself to date her more than once a week. I felt so horrible because I felt no physical attraction to her. We broke it off after a month. I never kissed her.

After that, I realized that I was gay. I'd always known that I was, but I finally admitted it to myself, and I admitted that it was never going to change or even be subverted. I was terrified of what would happen if I decided to live the gay lifestyle, so I told myself that I was going to be celibate for the rest of my life and I would carry my gay secret to my grave. I would not tell a soul about what I was going through. My mom told me about her uncle who didn't marry until he was in his late 40's. Maybe I would be like that. Maybe I would finally meet someone at age 40 and get married, not to have kids, but just for companionship. My life continued like this for several months. I noticed hot guys on campus all the time, but I told myself I could never be with a man or a woman.

I struggled with depression for most of my life, but for the first time I began seriously considering suicide. I thought about it every day. Since I was so experienced in hiding my feelings from everyone, I also thought I had to hide my depression from everyone. I wanted so desperately to find help. Then one night my mom found me crying in my room, and I told her I was depressed. We agreed that I would go see a therapist.

I was so intent on dying without telling anyone that I was gay that I didn't tell my therapist about it. Instead, we focused on trying to get me out of my shell so I could make friends. He worked wonders with my confidence. I became comfortable with who I was.

Then (and I've never really told anyone this part because it's corny and I don't want anyone to think that I came out only because of this) I watched a movie online called "Rock Haven." Before that point, I'd thought that all gay people were whores and that only the ugly ones wanted relationships. Even though I knew it was a movie and that the characters in it were not real, it showed me that loving gay relationships were possible. It filled me with such a desire to find a relationship like that. I'm not saying that this movie convinced me to "go gay" but I would be lying if I didn't say it was a small influencing factor.

I remember going to work the day after watching the movie and feeling so good inside. I fantasized all day about finding a boyfriend and falling in love. About a week later, I met my boyfriend. He had been through a lot of bad experiences with guys, so he had a lot of barriers up that kept him from opening up. Eventually we broke through all those barriers, and our relationship has been amazing. I'm so glad that I have him. We are so incredibly perfect for each other. I don't see how it could be coincidence that I found him.

Anyway, this post has been very long and I've only touched on certain parts of my life that I'll probably talk about in more depth later. Congratulations if you actually read any of this. Haha.


invisible said...

Great blog. I might just have to take you up on your offer. ;)

Ezra said...

I wish I had netflix so I could get this film...