Thursday, October 30, 2008

A Bad Lunch...

The hardest thing about being gay is dealing with my family. I just had an awkward lunch with my sister today. She doesn't know I'm gay yet (unless she has guessed it already) but she can tell I'm getting farther from the church. I love my family so much, but I can't live a life in the church just because they want me to. I have to do what I feel is right, even if others strongly believe I will be damned for it. I'm doing what is right for me, what I sense I need to do. At the end of lunch, my sister said that she only wanted me to be happy. I wanted to tell her that the church doesn't make me happy. The church makes me feel inadequate. The church made me want to kill myself. When I was trying to be active in the church I was depressed nearly every day. I carried pills around with me in my backpack in case I would finally get the courage to end my life. I was not happy then, and I've never been happier than I am right now. I didn't go into that much detail with her. Instead I just told her that I'm happy and that she shouldn't worry about me. I love my family, but if they could be more supportive of me, I would be as happy as I could possibly be. For now, I'm happy with who I am. I only hope that they will be too someday.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

An Open Letter To A Certain Someone

You outed me to my parents, and I hate that you did, but when you are ready to come out yourself, I will be here to support you.

Gay By Association

I know I shouldn't be so quick to point a finger at people and call them gay (I got really mad at accusations like these back when I was still in denial), but on of the things I like to do when I have nothing else to do is go on facebook and try to find people I don't know and judge whether or not they are gay. One way I do this is by searching for people with common interests. A search for "Ugly Betty" or "America's Next Top Model" is sure to bring up a whole list of homos. I then go through the list and look at mutual friends. If we have two gay friends in common, they are gay. This test is true in most cases. If we have no mutual friends, I first look at their profile picture and make a snap judgment: possibly gay, or probably straight. If the answer is possibly gay, I go to their profile and look at what other TV shows they have listed (as well as music and movies).

I don't know why exactly I do this gay facebook hunt. I never contact any of them (unless I know them and haven't added them), so it's not like I'm trying to expand my gay social circle. I think I mostly do it because it gives me a sense of power to know that my gaydar is getting stronger and stronger. It's the same reason my boyfriend and I point out which guys at Wal-mart we think are gay. It feels good to know that your intuition can get you in on a stranger's secret I guess.